Hello and welcome to Films on TV, a heady cocktail of movies and geekery (I think Bond orders one of those in Goldfinger). For newcomers: what we offer is a tedious stagger through the week's listings, with all the movies pointed out along the way. Except the ones I haven't seen, we just tend to ignore those. For those who've asked how I get to watch so many movies: I don't really anymore, because I have to go to work, so most of it's done from memory. (I work for a weekly newspaper in North Yorkshire - let's call it the "Harrogate Advertiser".) One day the well will run dry - especially given the risibly slow turnover of most of the terrestrial channels - and I'll be retired to a kennel in the country. Until then, I'm staying right here, and you'll have to stay with me.

This is our (and by "our", I mean "my") first column since a very nice summer holiday, and I return having seen five more Charlie Chan films than when we last spoke. And very good they were too. Thanks for all the correspondence last time around; if you'd like to get in touch, you can email reviews, gripes and pithy limericks to rick.burin@ypn.co.uk. I'm also happy to receive movie queries, though unless they're about '30s mystery-comedies, I may not be able to help.

That bit in the intro is a reference to White Heat, incidentally, for anyone unable to drag it from the recesses of their brain. Or anyone who hasn't seen White Heat.

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A plug this week for Me Cheeta, a wonderful book which purports to be the autobiography of the chimpanzee from the old Tarzan movies. Fusing irony, love story (Cheeta is besotted with Tarzan, Johnny Weissmuller) and biting, tasteless Hollywood memoir, it's the best thing I've read in ages (which isn't necessarily saying all that much). Whilst particularly suited to those obsessed with Golden Age movies, due to the inspired in-jokes populating every page, this subversive skewering of modern American history seems to have found an audience far beyond that group. It's poignant, clever and breathtakingly funny - that gag about the title of Tarzan and His Mate might be the greatest joke of all time.

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As usual, there's our DVD of the Week on page 3. This week, how about the greatest musical ever made? Ah, go on...

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Here's that thing we do every week:


SATURDAY, JULY 18

FILM OF THE WEEK - 1
What the hell is All That Heaven Allows (1955, ITV1, 11.25am) doing on ITV1? I think this was the space taken by Space Jam last week (just because I'm on holiday, it doesn't mean I don't know what films are on). All That Heaven Allows is perhaps the greatest of director Douglas Sirk's "women's pictures" - soapy stories elevated by sumptuous treatment to something approaching high art, and with a latent satirical bite. Jane Wyman plays a widowed housewife who falls for her gardener (Rock Hudson) and finds that suburban society can't forgive such things. The great character actress Agnes Moorhead is positively hateful as the sniping, life-wrecking harridan leading the chorus of disapproval. Sirk's masterful direction, loaded with symbolism, makes this more than just persuasive entertainment, aided by Russell Metty's cinematography (it's like having your eyes caressed) and a great score by Frank Skinner (categorically not that one). See it. (5/5)

Leon Gast went to Zaire in 1974 to shoot a documentary about the country's soul music festival, intended as a tie-in to the concurrent Muhammad Ali-George Foreman boxing bout (the "Rummage in the Jumble", I think it was called, because neither man could find his shorts). He came home with a heap of footage covering not just the soul fest, but also the slugfest (sorry, that really is the best I can do), and packed it safely away, perhaps in his loft. About 20 years later he finally got around to editing it, and the result is the winning - if occasionally tedious - When We Were Kings (1996, ITV4, 11pm). The footage of Ali sparring (mostly verbally), training and inspiring the local kids is utterly exhilarating, and the bout itself is sensational. But the talking heads are sometimes superfluous and the film is hampered by Gast's failure to limit his focus to the fight and its socio-political implications. His decision to incorporate frequent concert sequences is ill-judged, breaking the film's momentum and presumably leaving a load of superior Ali-Foreman material on the cutting room floor. This is still a fine film - superbly edited and lit by Ali's megawatt charisma - I just wish it was better. (4/5)

"'Ey Leuban, 'ow is it go-ing?" Hank Azaria's barely-clad lothario enquires in Along Came Polly (2002, ITV2, 9.15pm), one of only two mirth-making passages in this insultingly formulaic romantic comedy. Ben Stiller is jilted on his honeymoon by Debra Messing (Grace of Will & Grace fame, for those of us who've watched too much bad TV), then inexplicably falls for annoying, pseudo-quirky ex-classmate Jennifer Aniston (of "the front cover of appalling gossip magazines" fame). Did I mention that this one has Oscar winner Philip Seymour Hoffman talking about pooing in his pants? (1/5)

Metropolis (2001, Film4, 2.50pm), inspired by Fritz Lang's silent film, is a decent Japanese animation. Its style takes a little getting used to, with spectacular, superbly painted cityscapes providing a backdrop for dubiously-etched cartoon protagonists, but there's invention and energy to spare. And the use of music (particularly Ray Charles' take on 'Can't Stop Loving You') is fantastic. In the "impenetrable manga storyline" stakes, the plot is less baffling than Akira, but still a tad tricky to follow. (3/5)

I got the deeply unpleasant Oldboy (2003, Film4, 10.50pm) as a blind buy on DVD, following some great reviews.
*SPOILERS*
It's a dizzying thriller that's put together fantastically well, but crippled by a nastiness that's frankly nauseating. I'm not referring to the scene where our hero eats the live octopus, the frequent, bone-crunching violence he employs, or even the bit where the bad guy cuts out his tongue. It's more the climactic revelation, which envelopes and obliterates the film's tenderest moments in one sickening instant. The film is slick, fast-paced and compelling, its clock motifs and pounding score cleverly done and the acting pretty strong, but it's awfully hard to take, and one of the few films I regret watching. I felt like I'd been tricked into seeing something unfathomably awful, rather than the revenge thriller I was expecting. Anyone want to buy a DVD? (3/5)


SUNDAY, JULY 19

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968, Five, 12.15pm) struck the 17-year-old me as being a bit difficult to follow, and if anything I'm less clever now. Kubrick's visually stunning epic follows a crew's exploratory mission to Jupiter, hampered by the errant behaviour of their super-computer. There's also a load of apes hitting bones on the ground and some deliciously employed Strauss. This is bold and ambitious, but sometimes hard work. If most people find something difficult to comprehend, is that a failure on the part of the filmmaker? (4/5)

Groundhog Day (1993, Five USA, 9pm) has one of those once-in-a-generation premises (see also Turn Back the Clock, It's a Wonderful Life), but the real joy is just how well the idea's developed. Bill Murray is a weatherman who refers to himself as "the talent" and alienates those around him by being an eternal, insufferable smartarse. Trapped in the snow-capped town of Punxsutawney after a blizzard he failed to predict, a quirk of fate (or an act of God) forces him to live the same day over and over and over and over again. And he realises that in order to woo ruddy-cheeked Andie McDowell, he's going to have to become a nicer person. This one manages to incorporate a bank robbery, a half-night stand and a rodent abduction, as the warmth and humour is counterbalanced by an agreeably black edge. (The one scene that doesn't work is Murray's fancy dress cinema trip, though only because I don't understand it.) Just great. (5/5)

Peter Pan (2003, ITV2, 6.45pm) is a live action take on the J.M. Barrie story, devoid of charm (despite some passable production design) and boasting the kind of Pan one wants to punch in the face. Rachel Hurd-Wood makes an appealing Wendy, but that's yet lot. I'd really like to see the Betty Bronson version. (1/5)


MONDAY, JULY 20

Continuing its (and my) obsessive chronicling of Johnny Mills' forays into the crime genre, Film4 today offers The Vicious Circle (1957, Film4, 11am), in which the diminutive national hero appears as a doctor accused of murder. Rank hack Ralph Thomas helmed this watchable, Fugitive-esque thriller, which moves along at a fair crack but would have benefited from sharper writing and direction (what I'd give for the crisp, shadow-drenched excesses of The October Man or the brutal brilliance of They Made Me a Fugitive). Oh well. (3/5)

I haven't seen The Seven Little Foys (1955, BBC2, 1.30pm), but it looks fun, with Bob Hope as the vaudevillian who put his kids on the stage, and Jimmy Cagney reprising his Oscar-winning role from Yankee Doodle Dandy as George M. Cohan. More from Cagney on WED.

LITTLE-KNOWN CLASSIC
Film4 takes the unusual step of screening a movie not featuring Johnny Mills this afternoon. A Man Alone (1955, Film4, 12.40pm) is an excellent little Western, directed by and starring Welsh leading man Ray Milland. He plays Wes Steele, a taciturn gunman who tries to report a stagecoach hold-up that left a half-dozen dead, and finds himself the chief suspect. With a lynch mob on his tail, he hides out in the basement of the town's sheriff (Ward Bond) - who has yellow fever - and falls in love with the lawman's daughter (Mary Murphy). The wordless opening is a wow (there's barely a murmur for nigh-on 15 minutes), but once the dialogue kicks in that's just as striking, with lyrical ruminations on the nature of mortality and notoriety. Great performances too: Bond (who appeared in some 268 films) has a rare plum role, while Milland has never been better - or more grizzled. A hidden gem. (4/5) Repeated at 11am on FRI.

The Last Tycoon (1976, ITV3, 11pm), based on F. Scott Fitzgerald's great unfinished novel, has perhaps the greatest cast ever assembled. Robert De Niro plays a '30s film executive (patterned after MGM producer Irving Thalberg), who's dying from overwork. Jack Nicholson is a union head, Anjelica Huston appears as a socialite and numerous Hollywood stars of the Golden Age crop up in supporting roles, including Robert Mitchum, Ray Milland, Dana Andrews and John Carradine. Then there's '50s heartthrob Tony Curtis, Jules et Jim actress Jeanne Moreau, Donald Pleasance and Theresa Russell. Phew. The film itself is slow, cold and methodical, mirroring De Niro's compelling, restrained performance. And though it doesn't always hang together as well as you'd hope, it's an unusual and rewarding film, with the scenes set around De Niro's incomplete beach house leaving an indelible impression. His monologue about the trickery of movies is great too. (4/5)

"Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2, I got diplomatic immunity, so (MC) Hammer you can't sue," raps Peter Griffin in Family Guy. That's what pops in my head whenever I see the film's title now, sorry. Lethal Weapon 2 (1989, E4, 11.05pm) is the one where Patsy Kensit plays a South African femme fatale. I don't think I can really add to that. (2/5)


For TUE to FRI picks, please click on the link below right.